delayed onset

Akaashi is a crier. Bokuto has known this since they were in high school, and so have the rest of their high school teammates. Probably not many other people know, because Akaashi is so good at bottling his feelings up. You have to catch him at the right moment! Bokuto has always been a great noticer and finder of sneaky Akaashis that have gone off to hide and overthink and maybe cry.

Back then, Akaashi used to cry after a game if he couldn't play how he wanted to, or if he got less than 90 on two tests in a row, or while watching the Olympics opening ceremony on TV. Nowadays, he buys his own furniture, shaves every two days, and cries over grown-up things like elderly relatives passing away or his job overworking him. He doesn't hide as much either. Sometimes, he'll even come to Bokuto for emotional support all on his own. This makes Bokuto feel very proud and good at being his friend (in fact, ahem, update, his boyfriend, don't all clap and cheer at once (someday, he will make a big announcement on this topic, and then everyone really will be clapping and cheering at once)).

One more thing about Akaashi and crying! Nobody should touch him while he cries. He should be given a little bit of space, because what he needs is to go inside himself and feel all his feelings really intensely, so that he can be calm afterwards. This, Bokuto knows, is called catharsis. After he's done crying Akaashi will wipe his face and blow his nose—he always has a tissue handy—and go right back to how he usually is, all upright and calm, with only the redness around his eyes as a clue for all the catharsis he's been through. It's a good look on him, a strong and brave look. He doesn't like to be touched then either; he says it'll only start him off again. He's strong but he's fragile. This way up.

That's all fine. Akaashi has feelings and cries sometimes and Bokuto is like, really amazing at being there for him, and listening, and waiting for him to sort himself out, which he does all on his own (very impressive). No problems there.

The problem is that when Akaashi is in that special afterwards state, when just one touch would break him, Bokuto... just really, really wants to have sex with him, okay!? Never mind one touch--he wants to wrap Akaashi in his arms and feel him shatter into tiny little pieces. It would just be so sexy and nice to have him completely lose control like that. Especially if he would cling on to Bokuto for support and bury his wet face in Bokuto's chest, if he would gasp for breath and maybe even hiccup, and if more tears would leak from his eyes and nose even as his face crinkled up in pleasure from all the sex. When he's crying, sometimes he tries to say something and his voice comes out extra loud, kind of a honking sound. Would his sex noises while crying be extra loud too? Or would he be so choked up that he was completely silent?

These and many other thoughts have been plaguing Bokuto recently, ever since he watched a movie with a really cute crying scene. He thought about that scene a lot after, and it made him realise that maybe the way he feels about crying Akaashi is separate to the way he feels about regular Akaashi. Obviously Bokuto wouldn't actually try anything with crying Akaashi. But this new idea he's gotten into his head isn't gonna go away on its own. If he doesn't do something about it, then next time he gets the news that one of Akaashi's grandmothers has died he's going to pop a boner on the spot, and that would just be bad on so many levels.

What he wants is for Akaashi to cry, but to actually be fine. He considers getting Akaashi to chop onions for him, but onion tears do not make him feel funny inside in the same way. He considers making Akaashi watch a super emotional kids' movie with him, but they've done that before, and Akaashi just watched it all with his smartest face on, like he was taking notes for his job. Finally, he considers lying to Akaashi that something terrible happened and then revealing that it was fake after, which he thinks would work, but so many people would be angry with him if they found out that he can't even keep count of them all. This is, he's learned over the years, generally a sign that he should not do something.

The best person to ask about all this is Akaashi himself. Bokuto decides to save the question for when they see each other in person—Tokyo this time—so he can try out any suggestions Akaashi has for him ASAP (!). It turns out he maybe should have saved it a little longer because Akaashi's only response at the time is to give him a Look, and tip the taxi driver extra when they arrive at his flat.

In the fuss of getting-home activities—shoes, coat, kiss, bag, Osaka snacks—Bokuto forgets what he was on about. He's still washing his hands in the kitchen sink when Akaashi, standing at the counter with his mouth already stuffed full of the curry bread from the bakery near Bokuto's flat, asks about it again.

Once Bokuto has explained, Akaashi says, "Hm," and then, "Well, the most practical method would be for you to inflict physical pain on me until I cry. There are plenty of safe techniques."

"Ah. The do-S and do-M," Bokuto says wisely. Konoha calls him do-S all the time.

"No, this is just called SM."

"Oh, right." Bokuto imagines himself with a whip and maybe something cool like thigh-high leather boots and chains wrapped around his pecs. "Wouldn't it be, um, quite a lot? Would you be okay?"

"It probably wouldn't take that much. Once in high school I jammed a finger on my right hand in a practice game," Akaashi says with a funny curl to his voice that suggests he is talking specifically about his third year of high school. "I had a lot of homework to do that night, so I changed my writing grip to get through it, and I cried just from getting a cramp in my pinky."

"Aw, man. Poor you."

"It wasn't a big deal... Even if we do this, I wouldn't like to put any more stress on the palms of your hands. I should have something... yes, I have a long ruler we could try. Apart from that there are blunt impacts..."

Akaashi is staring towards his bedroom. He's come up with all this awfully fast.

"Hey, Akaashi, why didn't you ever ask me to try this before?"

"Hmm?" Akaashi takes a moment to understand, them smiles gently at him. "I'm not that interested in it. I just know the theory. And I didn't think you would enjoy it."

Bokuto lives in hope of the 1%, but 99% of the time Akaashi is right about things. It turns out that he doesn't enjoy SM at all! Not even a tiny bit! It takes him forever to make himself hit Akaashi in a way that counts, even with the ruler, and immediately he feels like he should be kneeling down to apologise. When he was a kid, his sisters lectured him so many times about how he was getting too strong and shouldn't ever hit people because they'd get hurt. He doesn't want to hurt anyone. It would feel like losing grip on his own personality.

Thankfully Akaashi is fine, and pats him on the head and calls him vanilla, which is a good ice cream flavour.

Later, it's that time of night when they're supposed to be sleeping but stay awake a little bit longer to tell each other things. "Never mind making it happen," Akaashi tells him, voice mellow in the dark. "Just wait, and next time I'm crying, you don't need to hold back."

"Really!?"

"We can at least try it. Bokuto-san, the reason I can cry in front of you at all is because you make me feel safe to be vulnerable. A little extra vulnerability shouldn't hurt."

"Ooh, yes! Vulnerable! That's just the right word to describe it." Bokuto will never stop admiring the way Akaashi uses his words. "I like you being vulnerable. It makes me feel all special."

He's happy now and grabs Akaashi for a cuddle even though they finished cuddling ten minutes ago.

Akaashi says something in a quiet voice that Bokuto isn't meant to hear, but does. You are special, he says, and then he presses a rare and treasured kiss to the side of Bokuto's neck. Bokuto keeps still, feels his heartbeat slow and heavy in his chest. All the blood going around in his body just then, his entire cardiovascular system, is moving for the love of Akaashi.

Despite having the number one boyfriend in the world of all time, the thing Bokuto realises later is that all Akaashi has done is told him to just wait. The truth is, Akaashi cries less and less often the older he gets. Bokuto might have to wait literal years to see it again! There must be a way for him to not have to wait that long. When Akaashi and him put their heads together and try, they can always figure tricky things out. Something tells him that they are not done with trying yet.

Still, apart from suggesting they re-watch When Marnie Was There for movie night, there is not much more Bokuto can think to do. It's okay because as soon as he goes back to Osaka and training with the guys there are a billion distractions for him and the whole problem flies out of his head.

"I have a request," Akaashi says on one of their phone calls that week, which is always a sign that he's about to say something Bokuto will really like, such as Can you please go pick up the two cakes I ordered from the bakery, or I'm buying a plane ticket and I'd like a copy of your schedule, or *Can you record a video for me where you—*yeah, all things Bokuto really likes! This time he says, "Do you think we could go on a gym date next weekend?"

Bokuto, who is out for a run while he waits for his laundry to finish, puts on a burst of speed in his enthusiasm to say yes. Seagulls startle and flap away from the railing ahead of him.

"Akaashi! That'll be so nostalgic! I haven't seen you doing any kind of physical exercise since high school!"

"You've phrased that in a very direct manner, haven't you?"

"Yep! Want me to find a good time at the MSBY gym? Or do you wanna go somewhere else?"

"If I can be issued a pass and everything is above board, then yes, it would be lovely to visit your gym."

"I gotchu," Bokuto says confidently.

His confidence is 100% founded. He not only gets Akaashi a pass, he also gets him permission to take reference photos for Meteo Attack's future arcs. Best of all, he gets Sakusa to give up one of his usual training slots in exchange for a blank check, which is something he has not looked up yet but can't be too bad if it's blank. So when he ushers Akaashi in to the gym on Friday night it's certified Omi-Omi heaven, a.k.a. completely empty and dead silent.

"Hey hey hey!" Bokuto yells into the silence to hear the echo, hey hey hey hey hey hey, before going to turn on the smart speaker with their usual playlist.

Akaashi has taken two videos on his phone, one of the walk all the way from the front doors to the gym and another of the inside. (Bokuto waves at the camera.) "It's just a preview," he explains as he stows his phone away in his bag. "If we really decide to do a V.League arc, Udai-san will want to take his own photos. Now, let's put a ban on further discussion of my employment," he says half to himself.

"So what do you wanna work on today?" Bokuto asks as they do some stretches on the Jackals-yellow mats. It's an off day for him; after stretching, he's planning on mostly being a cheerleader/spotter/general guy on the side. Boyfriend on the side. Boysidefriend.

Coming up from a pigeon stretch, Akaashi looks him dead in the eye. "I want you to take me through your entire muscle training routine."

"Whoa!" There is something Bokuto is missing here. "You wanna train to be an outside hitter?"

Akaashi follows Bokuto's lead and lies back as they switch to spinal twists, putting his face out of view. "Well, I suppose if you know Miya-senshu's routine..."

"Yeah, I pretty much do." He loves training with Atsumu. Tsum-Tsum is so silly and good at finding new ways to complain about everything. "Are you gonna find a local team?"

"Oh, no. I just want to experience for myself what professional athletes do every day. I think it'll be enlightening."

Turning over on the mat, their eyes meet again.

"I'm sure I'll find it very difficult," Akaashi continues. "But when it seems like I'm at my limit, I want you to encourage me and push me a bit further, okay?"

"Okay. That sounds like me anyway. Let the enlightenment begin!"

The enlightenment starts un-dramatically with his usual full hour of stretches and body weight exercises. It's still fun because he gets to explain what each one does and test his memory of the names of the different muscles. For example, the iliopsoas muscle is very important in volleyball even though it's not very well known, and there are many other muscles that the Black Jackals trainers have taught him the names of. In return, Akaashi tells him about how lots of Japanese words for anatomical parts were coined by a guy translating a Dutch book for surgeons. Apparently it started a whole trend of translations. Bokuto is envious: he has started trends before, but not coined any words yet.

Now they can move on to the equipment. Thankfully, Akaashi doesn't want to use the same weights that Atsumu does; he even asks to reduce the amounts past what Bokuto guesses for him on some pieces of equipment. He's already starting to get all red-faced and—not exactly tired, because when he's tired he still smiles back, still has an sharp answer for everything, whereas now—he's just gotten a little more blank-faced and lost in his own head. Doing this is stressing him out somehow. Well, being stressed is allowed. Especially in a nice safe environment!

"Some of these upper body exercises are not what I would expect for a setter," Akaashi comments in between sets at the cable machine.

Bokuto hasn't noticed, but then Akaashi is the one who's read an actual textbook on volleyball. "Well, Tsum-Tsum is always working on his serve," he guesses.

"Indeed, I should expect no less from the one of the best servers in the country. If only I'd thought to ask about his training regimen back in high school." Fukurodani had lost to Inarizaki at the Inter-High the year after Bokuto graduated. Akaashi had never been satisfied with the power of his serve back in those days.

"Hmm... I somehow feel like, since you were rivals, he would rather mess with you than give you proper advice."

"Ah, but I would've asked the other Miya."

"Akaashi! That's... that's scandalizing!"

Bokuto is so impressed with Akaashi's crafty wiles that he might, just a little bit, forget to be careful with him after that. They are meant to be sticking to Atsumu's routine... But Bokuto can't resist also showing Akaashi a few of the new things that his trainers have gotten him into, like the one-legged deadlift and the sled pull.

It's on the sled pull that things start to go funny. One second he's talking Akaashi through it, comparing the action to the first steps of a run-up, while also kind of staring at how the black straps of the harness cinch tight around Akaashi's shoulders and chest. The next Akaashi is on his hands and knees on the ground, only halfway across the distance that makes up the rep.

"You good?" Bokuto asks. "Did you pull something?"

"No," Akaashi says. "Sorry, I just... need a break."

"But you're not done. Come on, just a few more steps and then you can have a break."

He takes Akaashi's hand and helps him up. He still doesn't move, head bowed, shaggy hair coming down to the tops of his glasses and casting a shadow over his eyes.

"Come on, Akaashi! You can do it!"

Akaashi takes a shaky step forward, then braces his whole body, grunts and drags the stack of weights forward with him. Then, the next step.

"Yeah!"

When he makes it to the end he sits down on the floor again, gasping.

"Maybe no more legs," Bokuto decides, handing over his waterbottle and undoing the harness for him. "You're doing really well! It's hard to keep going after you lose your flow, huh."

Akaashi tilts his head to show he agrees, and the light falls on him from a new angle. The glaze of sweat above his upper lip, the damp patch at the neck of his t-shirt, the way his chest heaves—it's the same stuff Bokuto sees on his teammates all the time, but on Akaashi it's different. There's a little magnet in Bokuto's chest that always pulls straight towards Akaashi. He resists its sudden tug. He's busy right now.

"We can do medicine ball overheads next," he says. "Then you don't even have to stand up."

"I can stand up."

"Still."

Akaashi stares at him, stubborn as always. The first time Bokuto throws him the medicine ball, it slips right through his fingers and bounces off his forehead before falling to the floor.

"Okay! Training is done for the day," Bokuto announces.

"I'll decide when I'm done," Akaashi says, twisting to grab the ball. "Didn't I ask you to push me? Why are you doing the opposite?"

"You're just gonna injure yourself." Bokuto takes the ball right out of his hands, then leans down to plant a kiss on the pink spot on his forehead where he got hit. "You already lasted longer than I expected! You should be proud."

Akaashi goes all quiet for a second. "Bokuto-san, if you were anyone else I'd be really mad at you," he says at last.

"Lucky I'm me, huh? Let's go and cool down." As they are chilling out between cooldown stretches his mind begins to wander and next thing he's saying, "Hey, what do you wanna do after this? Want to get some kushikatsu before we go back to mine?"

"Yes, okay," Akaashi says. His expression screams No, but Bokuto senses that pointing this out would only make Akaashi even more if-you-were-anyone-else-I'd-be-really-mad at him.

They make it into the locker room and everything is grey and flat in there and then he just can't hold back any longer with what he really wanted to ask, which was, "Hey, Akaashi, why did you decide to do this? Did you get what you wanted?"

Akaashi doesn't reply right away this time. He sits down on one of the benches. Next, he takes off his glasses and puts them down beside him, and then his face scrunches up, and then—and then he hunches over and puts his head down against his hands—and then Bokuto Gets It, and he has to put his hands over his own mouth to muffle his scream so that the cleaning staff don't come running.

"Akaashi! You're a genius!" he whispers at the top of his voice.

"I'm not!" Akaashi says all wobbly. "I didn't plan it this way. I don't know why it's happening to me now. It was supposed to be all the aches and pains that would set me off. In about two days’ time."

"Ohhh. That thing." The phrase is delayed-onset muscle soreness, he remembers a second later, but now is not the time to say it. He gets down on his knees so he can peer up at Akaashi's face. "So, what's going on with you? You seem really frustrated with yourself, but also, you knew from the start that it was gonna be more than you could handle. So, is it really about your physical fitness? Is it because you miss playing?"

"No. Yes. It just got me thinking about high school. I remember when I used to be able to keep up with you on anything just by sheer willpower. And now—my whole body hurts and I want to keep going but I just—" yes, his voice is going all thick— “can't—"

The first tear! He spies it. The tear Akaashi cried just for him. It comes out of his eye and twinkles as it slips down his cheek and out of sight. Bokuto's own tear ducts prickle in sympathy, because he knows, he absolutely knows how it feels for your body to give out on the last point, for everything to come apart underneath you. But that just makes it even more real and exciting.

"I know you didn't expect me to," Akaashi persists. "But I could tell you wanted to keep going. You were having fun."

"I don't care about that. I wanted you to cry, and now you're crying, and that's way more amazing."

"It's just the idea of it. I wish I could do both. I want to give you everything you want for—for as long as I possibly can."

Bokuto doesn't want to say to Akaashi's face that he already does and can forever. It's cruel to people like Akaashi, to tell them that they've ever done enough. He stays quiet.

Akaashi sighs and lowers his hands from his face. His eyes are scrunched up tight and his nose is running so he has to breathe through his mouth; he licks his parted lips and swallows hard before he speaks. "Are you going to touch me or not?"

"Is it really okay?"

Eyes still shut, Akaashi fumbles through the air for him; on making contact, he tugs at the front of Bokuto's t-shirt. "I worked this hard because I knew what was coming at the end," he says. "Come here. I need this."

"Oh my god," Bokuto says, and pulls Akaashi straight off the bench in his haste to hug him as tightly and completely as possible. Pressed against him, Akaashi is bony, heavy, hot, damp through the thin layers of his clothes, and it's straight out of Bokuto's fantasy, the way he clings back and gives a little choked-up sob. It's perfect. Bokuto can feel his heart going all sparkly with feelings. He might explode. "What do you need?" he asks urgently before he can explode.

Akaashi laughs through his tears. "Bokuto-san," he says. "Please. I need you to fuck me until I forget why I was ever crying."

Everything they need is in Akaashi's backpack, even the tissues for him to blow his nose with. Bokuto knows which pockets to check.

It used to be that their first time together after weeks apart would always be awkward, in many ways just a practice run for the next one. But by now they're old hands even at first times. The beginning is like a story they've told together so often, he knows both parts by heart: this is what angle their bodies should make facing each other; these are which little instructions Akaashi will give to keep him on track; here is the spot on the underside of Akaashi's thigh where he puts his left hand, and there the spot on his own hip where Akaashi puts his right. This is how the effort of lodging themselves together oh-so-slowly and tightly will give way, when done over and over, to the most easy, natural, addictively wonderful feeling. Akaashi once said that that's the moment when their two bodies become one. It was something to do with Greek philosophy, but it feels true. Some extra type of resistance between them has disappeared.

The square bars of the locker room bench must be terribly uncomfortable to lie back on, and the floor is no good either: the solution is, with a boost to his heart rate and the kindling of a slow burn in his thighs and arms, to pick Akaashi right up. He's too worn out to hold on and needs to be propped against the lockers. It's cute how he gets both embarrassed and excited about all 180-plus centimeters of him getting folded up and carried.

"Whose locker is this?" he asks, feeling at the metal behind him.

"Hold on." Bokuto hoists him up and shuffles a few steps to the side before putting him back down with a clang. "Now it's mine."

"We're profaning hallowed ground," he mutters.

The position is good. If he can make Akaashi forget himself, it'll be like this; gravity is more forceful and overwhelming than anything Bokuto can do with just his hips. He loves the way that, at just the moment that the weight slams him home, forcing their connection as deep as it will go, Akaashi's usual gentle moan of encouragement breaks down into a full whimper. It's so snug and warm in that deep spot that Bokuto never wants to leave except to come right back and hear it again. Slower, Akaashi tells him, and when he repeats the motion slower Akaashi makes the noise again but longer, a stretched-out satisfied sob of pleasure. His arms tighten around Bokuto's neck.

Understanding what he wants, Bokuto kisses him on the mouth, but only softly. If they make out right now he's not going to last. To make up for it, he also kisses the crease between Akaashi's eyebrows; his flushed eyelids; the corners of his eyes where the tears have already dried. Miraculously, new ones well up to take their place, salty and delicious against his tongue.

Bokuto goes to bed that night completely full up on sex and feelings and stubbornly-insisted-upon kushikatsu. He's drifting off when it comes to him, what he wanted to say before Akaashi distracted him so well. The sound of breathing from the pillow next to his is already slow and even: he'll have to wait.

It's three p.m. the next day and he's sorting and putting away the laundry he did nearly two weeks ago when he remembers again. He gives up on matching each of his socks to their same-coloured friends on the floor and looks up to where Akaashi is curled on the last sunlit corner of the bed, looking all soft, reading.

"Akaashi," he calls, "do you feel all better after yesterday? Emotionally? It's okay if you don't!" He already asked at the time, but Akaashi likes to think about things way after they happened, so his feelings sometimes come back unexpectedly. It doesn't hurt to ask again.

Akaashi blinks and slowly slips his glasses back onto his face. "I'm fine," he says. "To be honest, I don't even understand why I was upset anymore. I think I was just very tired. I hope you don't feel that it was at all your fault."

"Hmm, nope, I don't."

"That's good."

"But what you said at the time got me thinking. What I think is that you probably don't even realise half of what you do for me. See, to you, maybe only the stuff that takes effort counts, like yesterday. And yeah, yesterday was amazing. But to me everything counts." Bokuto waves a pair of socks. "I mean, look how much you're helping me with my laundry right now."

"I'm sitting here basking in the sun while you complete a task on your own. One that even children can do."

"Akaashi! It's hard! I need you!"

"All right, here I am." Akaashi's smile is small but extra warm from the afternoon sunshine.

"Or, when I first told you about this crying thing, and I didn't have to worry about picking the right words or the right time for it, because I knew you would just get me. And you did."

"I don't think it's a very difficult idea to understand."

"But normally it's messed up to get excited from another person's upset feelings, right? And it's messed up that I would still be thinking about that when you're having a bad time."

Akaashi's smile goes amused. "I wondered if you were aware of that part."

"I'm very self-aware!"

"So you are, Bokuto-san."

"But you didn't even blink when I told you. That was really nice."

"I think anyone who knows you would know that you don't harbour any ill intent," Akaashi says, "but anyway, it's nice of you to say. I'm glad that you feel comfortable sharing things with me."

He goes back to his e-reader, pressing its little e-button to refresh the text on the screen. He doesn't seem convinced. He's probably still thinking about what Bokuto said; or maybe he understands, but it doesn't make any difference to him and whatever was buried deep down in his feelings that caught him by surprise. Well, that's okay. Just give Akaashi a little bit of space, and time, and he'll sort himself out on his own like always. That's the very best part of seeing him cry.